Alternate Religious Affiliations

Despite the 3-hour meetings with uninspired talks I sometimes miss the group aspect of a community like a church (though I don't miss the Christ-crazies) Here are some of the lesser-known, more interesting churches:

Church of the Subgenius
If you want to harass Scientologists without getting into legal trouble, this is the church for you. These guys were doing it years before Anon.

Church of Stuff
A church about... stuff. Started by someone who was told "You can't wear a hat here", they used the governments statures regarding religion to prove otherwise. Their holiest of Holy Days involves milk - lots of it - so those (like myself) with lactose intolerance be(aw)ware

The Beer Church
Help others while helping yourself... to a few pints.

Non-Drunkard Drinks

I was looking for a good Pina Colada recipe when I came across some non-alcoholic recipes

If Mormon get-togethers included punch options like these, maybe I wouldn't have gone to those evil raves and dark clubs over the Ward Teen Dance:

Mountain Dang - Remember to use the caffeine free version!

Safe Sex on the Beach - might need a name change, because the only safe sex is no sex, unless you've been married in the temple; but even then it should be indoors, on a bed and in missionary position, preferably with a Returned Missionary.

PacMan - Like with most LDS recipes, you need to upsize the amount of ingredients used. And for you Jack and Jill Mormons (or Ex-Mo's) adding some vodka or/and white rum gives it an extra yummy kick.

Men, Women and Mormonism

A male gives good insight regarding gender roles and Mormonism. I don't want to foist labels on anyone, especially something that is sometimes wrongly seen as a bad word - this one starts with an F too - but I would say he's a feminist

Men = Being a Missionary (to get married)
Women = Marriage and being a Mother
Both = Drugs are bad, hmmkay? And don't say fuck cause fuck is the worst word you can say!

Mormons on Speed

When I first heard of Mormon tea, it was intriguing. According to some relatives (who saw no harm in eating, and eating, and eating) it was still against the Word of Wisdom, because it contains caffeine (but eating chocolate isn't a form of apostacy) Except for my non-mormon parent who drank regular tea, noone I knew drank any sort of tea. The few people I came across who drank Mormon tea, many years later, were converts.

Imagine my surprise when I found that it's ephedra, which is basically legal speed (Not that I would know about that from personal experience....)

Mormon tea in bottle form

You can't blame the pioneers for any possible wrong-doing; They certianly needed a pick-me-up to travel the better part across a continent.

Forgiveness of Sexxx

I hope to read this book sometime, but it's not at the public library (not that I'm complaining! (note: I by no means promote banning any books)) The university library, which is among the largest in this continent, doesn't have it either. I obviously would never purchase such a book, unless it was second-hand at some bargain bookstore, so I doubt I'll be able to anytime soon; however this is not necessarily a bad thing.

I'm glad I was out of 'the church' by the time I would have been old enough to be given the book "The Miracle of Forgiveness" Though had I been, I would have had a good laugh over it (though having female anatomy, I'd be unable to make any jokes about *ahem* 'stabbing' people) and on the off-chance it was comprimised of bible paper, a good smoke too... Yes, I have used the bible as rolling papes. I don't recommend it, soley on the basis that it's bad for you (The bible, not the smoke (Even the Word of Wisdom doesn't condemn that))

I know of person who, when in our teens, had to go to church court because she had sex. I don't know exactly what punishment she got, but assume it was a disfellowshipment since she was allowed to become a full member again in a year or so. She was a convert with no other Mormon family, so maybe they went easy on her, seeing as sex outside marriage is considered next to murder to Mormons. At that point I was not active, except for non-overtly religious functions I'd be taken to by my LDS parent (surprisingly, I don't recall much Jello) so I don't know if she ended up returning.

I also don't know what, if anything, happened to the male party. At least from my empirical observations, the males are seen as the instigator (since women can never be vocal, sexual people) but they also are punished less severely, if at all (since 'boys will be boys') It stinks of what Penn and Teller would so eloquently say is bullshit.

Mormons ruin Boyscouts
Uploaded by demonkolob

Food for thought..... Mmm... food

"The New York Times in an editorial in 1919 said, "No one here in New York uses this drug marijuana. We have only just heard about it from down in the Southwest," and here comes the substitution. "But," said the New York Times, "we had better prohibit its use before it gets here. Otherwise" -- here's the substitution concept -- "all the heroin and hard narcotics addicts cut off from their drug by the Harrison Act and all the alcohol drinkers cut off from their drug by 1919 alcohol Prohibition will substitute this new and unknown drug marijuana for the drugs they used to use."

Drugs that can create revenue for the government are good and people smoking pot instead of injecting heroin is bad.

"The first state ever to enact a criminal law against the use of marijuana... was the state of Utah.

"Oh, wait a minute, Whitebread, Utah fits exactly with Colorado, Montana, -- it must have been the Mexicans."

A careful study of the actual immigration pattern [showed] that Utah didn't have then, and doesn't have now, a really substantial Mexican-American population. So it had to be something else.

Come on folks, if it had to be something else, what do you think it might have been? Are you thinking what I was thinking -- that it must have had something to do with the single thing which makes Utah unique in American history -- its association with the Mormon church."

More madness...

Introduction to Idiocy

My parents are Mormon and Catholic, which is uncommon as Mormons are steered to date and marry within the church since "a family that prays together stays together". My parents eventually dicorced, but it was not merely resulting from their religious differences.

I do not recall this, but my non-Mormon parent says they went to the Mormon meetinghouse. Obviously, the didn't stay for long. From the time I can remember, they went to the cathedral. I was jealous to attend, partly out of curiosity but also because the Catholic church seemed better:

• The service was only an hour. Mormon services are three hours long, but since most adults have voluenteer jobs to do it is longer then that.
  
• The Catholic building was beautuful whereas the Mormon chapel looked somewhat like a school, the biggest difference was that the floors were carpeted (bad idea, considering the number of small, messy children)

One of my earliest memories in church was being sad since I had to go to Sunbeams (the youngest age-geared Sunday School connected to Primary, which is for all children) The teacher used candy cigarettes - which are considered a sin, as outlined in the Word of Wisdom - to teach something, which I cannot remember. The first lesson I gained through the church was that their confusing rules were of little consequence.