Trek to the Holy Land

When most people think of Mormonism the first area that comes up is Utah but Palmyra, New York is also a important place. It is where Joseph Smith is said to have found the golden plates left by Moroni way back when there was a massive battle between good (the white guys) and evil (bad blacks)

My first trip outside the vicinity of my hometown, around the age of five, was to this mecca. I don't remember much, but will attempt to sketch out what I do:

After a long, boring car ride we exited the car in a parking lot near some trees. Standing on the paved area, I was told this was the grove where Joseph had his vision. This left me more unimpressed then I was previously. I felt no spiritual presense or calm breeze, only boredom and annoyance. There was a young kid who was being led around by a leash attached to his wrist, which stood out in my memory more then anything.

Later that night we went to the yearly pagent held on the Hill Cumorah, where the great battle is said to have occured. It seemed like any other hill I had seen; I had seen better hills (for tobogganing). I didn't understand most of the show and thought it was too long and boring, like anything else church related.

The highlight of the trip came on the ride home when we stopped off for donuts.

Joseph, stupid jackass, Smith

Apparently Mormonism is currently trying to put more focus on Jesus, but when I went to church it was all about Joseph.

I always thought the translation story was weird and couldn't understand how he was able to see stuff with a stone. I thought it was one of the many stupid things adults believed, and that I might 'get it' when I got older.

This episode of South Park pretty much sums up how I thought it happened, assuming it did (dum, dum, dum, dummm-b)

The one good thing about my Mormon un-education was that it made me critical of all spiritual thought.

Introduction to Idiocy

My parents are Mormon and Catholic, which is uncommon as Mormons are steered to date and marry within the church since "a family that prays together stays together". My parents eventually dicorced, but it was not merely resulting from their religious differences.

I do not recall this, but my non-Mormon parent says they went to the Mormon meetinghouse. Obviously, the didn't stay for long. From the time I can remember, they went to the cathedral. I was jealous to attend, partly out of curiosity but also because the Catholic church seemed better:

• The service was only an hour. Mormon services are three hours long, but since most adults have voluenteer jobs to do it is longer then that.
  
• The Catholic building was beautuful whereas the Mormon chapel looked somewhat like a school, the biggest difference was that the floors were carpeted (bad idea, considering the number of small, messy children)

One of my earliest memories in church was being sad since I had to go to Sunbeams (the youngest age-geared Sunday School connected to Primary, which is for all children) The teacher used candy cigarettes - which are considered a sin, as outlined in the Word of Wisdom - to teach something, which I cannot remember. The first lesson I gained through the church was that their confusing rules were of little consequence.